One night around 3 a.m., a man wearing a shiny windbreaker and a large cowboy hat, with a Nazi-looking dog at his side, will fill the screen of your TV and say the following:
Good evening, brothers and sisters and other sinful viewers. Let us all stand at arm’s length from one another and praise God the almighty, the Divine creator, the invincible and omnipotent architect of the inevitable, our Lord, He who must be obeyed, lest the pain and puss of a thousand boils be inflicted upon the children of our fathers and the fathers of our children.
My name is Freddy Phopp, and I am pastor of the Impersonal Church of the Eradicator in Topeka Kansas. You may recognize me as the fellow who pickets in front of public schools, homeless shelters, health clinics, day care centers, synagogues, churches, temples, military bases and funerals, and other Godless sanctuaries for the gay homosexual communist liberals who are tearing our world apart, one venereal diseased speck of dirt at a time.
If you’ve seen me on TV, or visited my “church’s” Web site, www.GOD-DON’T-LIKE-YOU-MUCH.com, then you know that I am a pedal to the metal, shoot first and ask questions later motherfucker when it comes to my faith, a forceful, sanctified voice of reason in a soul-less world overrun with sin and the AIDS and soft-core porn.
When I chastise you lesser human beings for living a wasted, corrupt life, I do it gleefully and out of kindness. And when I promise you an eternal whoop-ass in hell, just for being born, I do so in the spirit of grace and compassion. And it is in that spirit that I come to you today, my brothers and sisters.
I have searched far and wide for only the best faith-based products and services to endorse. With that in mind, let me introduce you to the newest, safest bet for salvation in the world: Dogs for Christ.
That’s right, Dogs for Christ, the first and only evangelical ministry for dogs, guaranteed by God Hissself as the only way to save your dog’s savage soul.
What, I ask you, is the eternal reward that awaits Man’s Best Friend when he wags his tail for the last time and shuffles off this mortal leash? What is his eternal fate?
Until now, until this very moment, ‘old Yeller’ would have had a one-way ticket to Satan’s dog pound … the same fate that awaits any shameless beast who spends a Godless life fornicating without commitment, eating out of the cat box and licking his own genitalia in the ethical cesspool of his agnostic existence.
But not anymore, my brothers and sisters, not anymore.
Dogs for Christ is your dog’s ticket to salvation. That is our guarantee. We promise that your dog’s soul will be sniffing St. Peter’s ass at the Pearly Gates and chasing ethereal rabbits through Elysian Fields before you can bury him in the backyard.
You see, at Dogs for Christ, our staff of veterinary chaplains will visit your pet in your home, armed with Bibles and our own, patented choke collars blessed by me personally. Our staff will blend psychotic evangelical doctrine with persuasive Spanish Inquisition conversion techniques to put your dog on the righteous path. Before long, he’ll be playing dead, rising from the dead, and sitting up to beg for God’s approval.
And speaking of playing dead, if you are called home to the firm and unyielding embrace of the Lord before your dog, our staff will euthanize your pet immediately upon your death, so you can walk side by side into the eternal light.
Are you Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian, Wiccan, Unitarian, disabled, vegetarian, Hispanic, Black, Asian, different from me in any way? Well, just because you’re going to hell, it doesn’t mean your dog has to. Dogs for Christ has a special conversion plan for dogs who have been led down the road of false idols and paganism. And Dogs for Christ is now offering conversion services for other pets, such as cats, birds and fish. No snakes or monkeys, please.
Bottom line, your animal will be saved. So, if you are fortunate enough to be one of the few blessed souls destined to spend the afterlife walking in the fields of the Lord, Fido will be there, heeling beside you in the warm glow of God’s conditional love.
And if you register your pet in Dogs for Christ today you’ll receive these free gifts:
• A box of dog biscuits shaped like the Holy Grail, each with its own Biblical passage written in Aramaic, Latin or the dead language of your choice.
• A DVD of the spectacular new stage version of PASSION OF THE CHRIST with an all-Dog cast – the Jack Russell Terrier who plays Jesus actually suffered from Stigmata during production.
• A ‘What Would Jesus’ Doggie Doo’ Pooper Scooper
• A velvet painting of Dogs playing Poker with Jesus at the Last Supper.
• And, a BARK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker.
What would Jesus do? Why, he’d kick a sinner in the groin and scream, ‘HOWL-a-LEUJAH!’ … but first, he’d enroll his pet in Dogs for Christ. It is the only way to save your pet’s soul, officially recognized by the John Birch Society. It’s what God would want. And don’t forget, God spelled backwards is … (the Nazi dog at his side barks on cue). That’s right, Fido. Good dogma.
So, don’t forget friends. Enroll your pet in Dogs for Christ today. Or else.